@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

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@DontFuckWithMom

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@thesupergrobi

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

@TheTweetOfGod

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

@bleustreak

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

@CrisMtzgr

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls