@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

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@joeldanger

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

@jellybnbonanza

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

@im_all_id

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

@ghostkrogh

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

@Storminika

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@thepaulasuzanne

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

@say_shannon

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King