Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones