FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
how to have an accident 101
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…