Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Whoa 😂
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Lmao
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.