Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!