Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

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I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers


Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.


hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER


“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.


Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.


If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.


Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.