Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My teenage children choosing violence
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Admin smashed it 😂
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.