FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
For the orator and chef in all of us
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.