Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.