Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar