Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My current situation
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.