Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My plans: 2020:
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once