Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.