FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Oh. My. God.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.