Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here