Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..