Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
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He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood