@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

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@highprobably1

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

@TaylorVirtue

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

@aparnapkin

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy