Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Oops
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*