BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Me: OMG! Say something!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy