Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
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Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Goodnight 🐶
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Basketball
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*