Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.