@hardlyrelevant Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@alfageeek Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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@hardlyrelevant 
@internetluke My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
@kryzazzy Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
@SCbchbum Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
@ParasiteHilton *watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
@thedad Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@samlymatters Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
@choniepony Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
@noog The news
@MessJenkins “Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon