Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.