Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Think I pulled my liver
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…