fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17