fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The Weeknd is back
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.