Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
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16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.