fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it