Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Not today
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Something Saturday.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.