Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.