Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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sigh
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Straight people are cancelled
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem