Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
You Might Also Like
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system