Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life