Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.