Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.