Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.