FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
my retirement plan is braless
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
#growingpains