Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.