FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
You Might Also Like
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”