Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance