Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?