Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.