Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it