Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
mmm onion ringos
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Facebook memories be like
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.