Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
You Might Also Like
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
This is a sub tweet
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training