@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

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@phranqueigh

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

@robfee

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

@WilliamAder

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

@MavenofHonor

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

@bottlerocket

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.