Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.


House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”


“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?


I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.


On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.


Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?


Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.