Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself