Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read