Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
You Might Also Like
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.