Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
WHY?!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I am, perchance
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
getting corrected
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.