Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted