@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@SlipperySecret

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@Llamannihilated

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.