Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.