Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

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Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties


Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?


I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*


Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!


WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly


Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.