Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
#dalle2
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Bless you
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance