Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Introverted vegans go meetless
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
So glad we cleared that up
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.