FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Nice try, NASA
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.